When to Talk and When to Listen

If you have ever ran out of things to say, then you know how it feels to be stuck. Often, we think being an amazing conversationalist requires that we say the perfect thing or that we avoid saying the wrong thing. That we demonstrate our intellectual and linguistic superiority in ways that leave people in aw and begging for more. Or that we are extremely agreeable and fit within that person's worldview as to not rock the boat.

How convenient that this line of thinking puts ourselves in a position of authority and of higher status. Or that we put ourselves in a position of absolute innocence and good grace. That we are relevant. That we are important. That we are “safe.”

So we over do it. We over think. We become narrow minded and goal-oriented. Yet we neglect that deep meaningful connection requires other people. In over strategizing a conversation and forcing our ideas, values, and will to achieve an objective, we have clearly demonstrated that we have no concern for the other person.

In essence, we no longer value them as a human being, an equal. But merely as an object that we can objectify. A means to an end. This is what it means to lack empathy. To be egocentric.

Yet we feel justified. How else am I supposed to show others that I’m high status? That I’m confident and charismatic? How else can I make people like me?

Ask yourself a couple questions. Why must you show others that you are of high status? Aren’t you already inherently of value? Why must you show that you are confident and charismatic? Shouldn’t that be expressed naturally? If you are already these positive character attributes, wouldn’t socializing be a lot easier.

If we truly look at the narrative that we’ve built in our own heads, it's clear that we have built a facade to compensate for our lack of self-worth. That we really aren’t good enough. Despite knowing this, consciously or unconsciously, you continue with this front.

What you don’t realize is that everyone can see right through it. In your attempt to demonstrate that you are of high status, you have clearly done the opposite. How very “cool” or “nice” of you to do this. You have given others the green light to not fully engage with you.

“So what can I do to change this?” Eliminate all notions of getting an intended outcome. Intent breeds expectation. Expectation births disappointment. If you are dependent on the success of the interaction, you are destined to fail.

Let go of anything feeding into your little fantasy and ego. When you realize that dialogue isn’t a means to an end, but an end in of itself. When you realize that being independent from the outcome is the path of least resistance, you’ll start noticing a change with the way you engage others. This is the path to success. This path is connection.

So what is one step that you can take to get out of your head and eliminate the need for things to work out. Listen. Listen to others. Listen to the environment. Listen to the inner and outer dialogue that you have. Do so with zero judgment and see where it leads you. And as always, take action.